CHRISTOPHER MORAN

The "You can't say that" tour 2013

First of all, California is rapidly losing the "amusing billboards" race. I have seen a ton of superb advertising all across this great nation. Most of it being funded by none other than the big guy himself.

Second of all, I challenge someone to come up with a better white trash moment than me sitting behind a guy with a mullet watching wrestlemania in a bar in Nebraska. Your move Ricky Bobby. 

And here we are. A week away from our return to the West Coast. I caught wind of the party being planned for my return. Please, don't. Not because I'm modest or anything, but because I have consumed alcohol every night for two straight months, and I just don't think my colon can continue tolerating the punishment. I write to you today from America's heartland, Omaha, Nebraska, with a few notes on the recent days past. 

Hello there. How are you? I'm always telling you about my day, but what about yours? Did you go to work today? Was it your day off? Did you eat pizza? Well that's enough about you. I have just returned to the US of A, from our friendly neighbors' to the north. What did I learn you ask? Well, it turns out the slogan "o, canada" is more of a sighing expression than an exclamation. As in, "oh canada, do you really put your milk in bags?" You also can't listen to Pandora there. And they display their gas prices in cents rather than dollar amounts. As in, 127 cents per litre. I don't understand either. 

Also, I am now an international criminal, as rather than be held accountable for my Canadian crimes, I out ran the mountys to the border, and sought sanction in America's arms. God bless this great country of ours. Join me in a USA chant anyone?

This is Niagra Falls, it's nice.

Okay, maybe I'm being a little harsh. Unfortunately, the gig in Birmingham was cancelled. And by cancelled I mean it never really existed, I just didn't know it. So, rather than hang around the big city and do the tourist-y stuff, we chose to spend some time with a local family just outside birmingham, in the small town of Pinson, Alabama. Oddly enough, it was probably our most fun stop yet. We were welcomed with a acoustic rendition of "I'll make a man out of you," from Disney's Mulan, and by the time we left we were making a music video for John Mellencamp's "Jack and Diane." You'll just have to wait. 

It wasn't all smiles in Pinson, as things did become tense during a heated cat's game of Connect-4. We haven't spoken since. 

If you live outside of the bible belt and you were wondering if it's adequately named, well, there are families who keep the good book in their house, and then there are those who have it in paperback, hardback, and audio book, which comes in a 60 CD set. That's an awful lot of ipod space. 

Naturally, we had to make our way down Bourbon St, both in costume and plain clothes, of which there will be video evidence later. 

I'm a firm believer in soaking up the local culture, and you can't do that in New Orleans without immersing yourself in the 9th ward. Judging by their chosen form of security I hypothisized that they either had a guerilla warfare problem, or just a gorilla problem, but we stayed without incident, and shopping for groceries is much more entertaining with crack addicts around anyhow.

So between a drunken night of singing along to Bon Jovi covers, a night of making sure everyone in the room was offended at least once, and a night of fearing for our lives, New Orleans was a blast, I can only hope that the heartland holds as much wonder. Stay tuned.

Not to fear however, while the masses did not gather in Texas as they should have, some local fellows were nice to enough to take us to a spot that could cheer you up on the worst of days, "Cheer up Charlies." Speaking of things that cheer you up, here's something that won't: If you happen to be traveling through south Texas, you can pick up this gem at any local truck stop (which is of course, the best place to buy literature in Texas), "So Innocent, Yet So Dead." Quite possibly, the most cheerful title for a book ever.  I should also note that the price had been reduced. So hurry.

Well as it turns out everything is bigger in Texas, except audiences. I'm talking about numbers of course, as the guests that were there were, in fact, quite large. We had shows in both Dallas and Austin, two very distinct cities. For those of you keeping track at home, while Austin is pretty gay, Las Vegas continues to clutch its' gayest experience award.

We're down in the Bayou now, working on some videography for you. If you're wondering where we're staying, take a look at this picture of Dallas below, and picture the opposite. <3

I typically find that when it comes to driving website traffic, the best form of advertisment is confusion. So naturally, we left these banners in all the typical places, bus stops, public message boards, and churches. After all, we want to be where the people are, and as they make you keenly aware, church is definitely where the people are.

Give this a listen if you've been wondering what our go to sound track has been thus far.

Well, not exactly what we were expecting from the desert weatherwise, but then again we did no research. So there you have it. Two conclusions from Albuquerque: Albuquerque is a nice town. I am very funny. 

I participated in the "Third Thursday Comedy Competition" in ABQ. It was in a hookah lounge that strongly resembled a lesbian's living room, if she were also Batman. Had a goth feel to it. I won. I think only because I was the first gay person they had ever seen there. I'm not gay, but that didn't seem to bother them too much. We also were lucky enough to be able to hang out with some locals, who allowed us to practice archery in the house at 2 in the morning. I don't have a joke for that. It's pretty cool though. 

Our final night in Vegas we found ourselves at the world famous "Drink and Drag." If you haven't been, it's a bowling alley that hosts regular drag competitions. (Second place, in case you were wondering). 

We wrapped up our time in Vegas with a breakfast conference with Cool Cass, as he will be headed back West to serve as our home base and continue to work on other projects. Surely we will not lose any street credit, as my name carries considerable weight in the ghettos across this great nation. -Christopher

Not much gambling to be done, although Push Play Pat did take his chances on fetching us a roadie. Better luck in Phoenix. We'll be at the Black Label Bar in Vegas tonight if you're in the area, and if not stay tuned, as Patrick is touching up some footage from last night's pantless escapade for your viewing displeasure. Wish you were here.

Love, Christopher

Good morning from a very blurry Las Vegas. Our first full day on the strip was overwhelmingly successful. We received several offers to headline. All at strip clubs. But everyone knows vaginas aren't funny. Plus, we've got a country to see. We were all in agreement that after starting in Vegas, the rest of the country may have a tough time living up. However, we're not all that sad to be leaving tomorrow as due to poor planning, or perfect planning depending on your sense of humor, we currently find ourselves lodged at the Blue Moon Gay Men's Resort, about a mile off the strip. 

If you've never been to a gay men's resort, it's just like a regular hotel, except very gay. Never before have I been more reminded of what the male genitalia looked like, as they do their best to create symbolism wherever they can. (Noted by the photograph at left.) Additionally, there is a full selection of male porn on channels 3-5. Our personal favorite was "Solider Boyz." There's just something about a guy in dog tags. God bless those boys over seas. 

Viva Las Vegas. We've arrived. Our kind host Connor shows at my right. He was nice enough to show us the ropes of Fremont st. (Where the cheapest beer was.) And after resting up from our journey, we'll be ready to hit the streets tomorrow. We're back and forth between trying to get into an exclusive pool in my diving suit, and pantsless interviews. Feel free to message us if you have any suggestions, and don't forget to follow us on twitter. 

-Christopher